I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
