I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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