My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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