A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
