Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
