Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
