As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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