If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is my gift to your gina
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
