He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
