I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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