New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize