Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
