I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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