I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
