Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
