Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
