he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
