I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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