I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
