Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
