do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There are leaves in my underwear?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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