It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
