I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
