Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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