is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
