So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
