I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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