I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
