Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
