drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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