i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
