This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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