Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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