I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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