Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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