remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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