Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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