Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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