Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
ttyl tear gas
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
