Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
