my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
