and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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