dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
