So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
