Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
