I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
