I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
