So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
