i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
