somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
