hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
