I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
