3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
