Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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